Raising Children with Deen and Dunya

A sign of someone whom Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) loves is that when you see him/her, you remember Allah.  The examples I have listed here are all people who have caused me to wonder about my own station with Allah in relation to theirs; they have motivated me to at least try to change, to improve.  I'm sure readers will agree that, although Allah alone knows the hidden reality of hearts, these people at least seem to have triumphed both in their embodiment of the true spirit of Islam and in their practical participation in the dunya.  I pray that Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) will continue to send examples like them into our lives so that we may continue to learn and implement that which draws us closer to Him.  ameen.

1.)   du'a, du'a, du'a

“None of this is from us,” insists one mother of three UC Berkeley graduates who have never voluntarily missed a single prayer.  “Everything begins and ends with du'a.  It is only by His generosity that we have been blessed with believing children; we had nothing to do with it.  Now that we have it, we try to hold onto it by showing gratitude and not taking it for granted.”
Every single family I have “interviewed” about raising children in this day and age inevitably began by reminding me about the power of supplication.  “Every success I have seen in my family's life, I can remember having prayed for it first,” admits one grandmother of three huffadh (memorizers of Qur'an).   “If my du'a doesn't come true in this world, I have faith that it will in the next one, so I have patience.”
Another mother of four tells me, “I recited Surah Maryam every single day of my pregnancy.  I want pious children above all else — it's all that matters.”
A convert friend of mine suggests that couples who are about to embark on the path of parenthood should ask themselves, “Why do we even want children?”  She believes in renewing one's intentions on a daily basis.  “Who are we doing this for?”  When she gets embarrassed by something her children say or do, she questions herself, “Why am I upset?  Is it because I'm afraid that they're doing something displeasing to Allah?  Or is it because I'm afraid that they're displeasing people?”
Her unwavering du'a is that her children live their lives seeking only His pleasure.
Many families shared with me their reliance on salah-ul-Istikhaara (Prayer for Guidance) before making any major life-altering decisions and salah-ul-Haajah (Prayer for Need) when desiring something they felt was crucial for their children's well-being.  Whenever a blessing appeared in their lives, they were quick to pray salah-ul-Shukr (Prayer of Gratitude) as well.
“All that I have is due to my mother's duas,” believes one mother of five children.  “She was the one who was always praying for us, even when we forgot to.”

2.)   Suhba (companionship) will make you or break you.

“There were times we sacrificed our own friendships in order to do what was best for our children,” a married couple of sixteen years tells me.  When pressed for reasons why one would end a relationship, they explain, “Before we had children, we had friends who 'drank socially', who played poker, who hosted dance parties.  Once our kids were born, we avoided those types of atmospheres.  Our social gatherings are now the type where both the respected elders and the innocent children feel welcome and comfortable.”
“It doesn't necessarily need to be that it's the 'drinking, gambling, partying crowd' that is holding you back,” muses a mother of elementary school children upon hearing the couple's history.  “I have one set of 'dinner party friends' who believe in a 'children should be seen and not heard' philosophy.  They plant the kids around TV sets and video games while the parents socialize in other rooms.  Then I have another group of friends who engage their children in the adult conversations, who don't keep the younger ones 'out of sight, out of mind'.  It might surprise you to learn that my own kids actually prefer to be around the adults who actually care enough to get to know them.”
“Sometimes I look around at the people I hang with and I think 'What happened?'” laughs a mother who has chosen to homeschool her three kids.  “None of these folks are the type I would have chosen as friends when I was younger, but I admire the way they live their lives and crave the peace and tranquility they trail behind them everywhere they go.  They have a sense of purpose and an awareness of Allah in everything they do.  I want to pass those qualities on to my own kids, so here we are.”
“Suhba is of the utmost importance.  If you sleep with the dogs, don't be surprised if you rise with the fleas,” a respected scholar advises.  The words that struck me the hardest with their wisdom?  “When you sit with people of the dunya, you become a drop in their ocean, but when you sit with people of the akhira, the dunya becomes a drop in your ocean.”
“A person is known by who their friends are,” my mother always reminded us.  “Don't ever assume that you are better than your friends.  No!  You are who your friends are.”
“I had a girlfriend whose company I really enjoyed,” remembers one mother wistfully.  “She was the best person to share a cup of tea with, to go shopping with.”  So what happened?  “She and her husband decided that they weren't going to raise their children as Muslims.  Even though we liked each other a lot, we just didn't see eye to eye on what was appropriate for kids.  There were certain behaviors in her home that were complete anathema to us.  I decided that I couldn't have an independent friendship with the mom; at some point her kids were going to start influencing my kids, and we needed to part ways… so we did.”
One father confesses with a sheepish laugh, “I don't know if our children are so God-conscious because of anything we necessarily did.  My nieces are very spiritual young women, and my own daughters were always drawn to them.  I think we got lucky that our children wanted to follow in their older cousins' footsteps.”
“On the Day of Judgment, you'll be standing with the ones you loved most in the dunya,” reminds another well-loved scholar, “so choose your friends wisely.”
More than one parent has gushed about the power a charismatic aunt or uncle, imam, halaqa (study circle) leader, or Sunday school teacher has had over their young ones.  Many of the adults gave up a good portion of their weekends, driving long distances to take their children to gatherings and events where they hoped their children would benefit from being around like-minded people.  “I firmly believe that no friends are better than bad friends,” states a father of five children, “but I did go the extra mile to make sure that my kids did have friends with whom they connected.”
“Sometimes kids start to tune out what the parents say because it's all been said before,” a mother of a middle schooler smiles.  “My own parents told me to pray all my life, but it wasn't until I connected with an articulate teacher who explained how prayer was for our benefit that I finally got the message…and it was my friends who led me to that teacher.”